Chicago, New Bearland — In what is quite possibly the biggest medical discovery made in the 21st century, doctors working for the Chicago Bear football squadron have discovered that diabetes is, in fact, contagious.
“It’s shocking, but it certainly explains all the injuries that have occurred as of late…”, Dr. P. Konerman tells us. “Jay was exposed to these men regularly. He high-fived them. He was in the same huddle with them, deciding offensive plays. He showered with them! Slapped their asses! All of that exposure….well i guess you can say Jay’s diabetes rubbed off on them.”
The Doctor hypothesizes that Jay Cutler’s diabetes rubbed off on Matt Forte and Johnny Knox, resulting in Fotre’s MCL sprain and Knox’ broken back.
“Jay’s diabetes “rubbed off” on them and led to the weakening of Forte’s MCL as well as the softening of Knox’s back. And a good thing too! Had it not been for the diabetes present in Knox’ back, Knox may have had to change his name into first name never and his last name into walking.”
The medical community is still comming to terms with such a discovery.
“We always thought diabetes was brought on by genetics and being a typical American lard ass,” said Doctor Gupta of CNN.
Other doctors are worried that Cutler’s diabetes may be the end of the NFL.
“Jay was sacked…a lot. It was a joke among us in the locker rooms,” said an anonymous Bear’s offensive linemen.
“Imagine, it’s like tackling that one friend of yours that had chicken pox and never having had chicken pox. It’s only a matter of time until I get sick, right?” said Green Bay linebacker, Clay Matthews; a good friend of Jay and someone who has reportedly sacked Jay a gazillion times.
“Yeah, I sacked him like a….a gazillian million times.”